Archive for the ‘Screenwriting’ Category

Even though, oddly, I’ve come to love blogging it always seems that this blog of my random thoughts goes by the wayside in favour of other pursuits. What other pursuits? Well, with the downswing in real work of late, those have mainly involved focusing on my writing of everything but my blog. I’ve started to write reviews for a local music magazine, OMS, and I’ve been putting a lot of energy into my screenwriting, though it’s currently getting me nowhere.

I guess I should do my usual thing of looking back on events since my last post. Let’s see…

Oh, right. Bin Laden. Yeah, apparently the Americans got him. I mean, they haven’t got a body to produce, nor pictures of him (the one above is fake) either before or after they allegedly shot him. Oh, and it came at a startlingly convenient time, just as Trump was starting to mount his campaign against Obama. But it’s okay, because Bin Laden is dead. Really. *wink, wink*

I’m not saying I’m not happy about it if Bin Laden really is dead – the guy is/was a monster – I’m just saying show us some proof. The public can handle pictures of him shot to pieces. Really. I mean, we’re talking about people who enjoy Keeping Up With The Kardashians, so it’s about time we showed them that something – anything – in life isn’t fake.

There was a Royal Wedding, too. Wills and Kate finally got married. Yay for our (maybe) future king. Here’s the deal: I like Wills. I’m not a royalist by any means, but the guy seems like a solid, down to Earth guy. With a shitload of money. Yes, I’m a little pissed off that I had to pay for the multi-millionaire’s multi-million pound wedding but, you know what? I’ll let him off. Why? Two reasons:

1. Kate Middleton. Or Princess Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge as we’re now supposed to call her, is a stone fox. With just two words – “I will” – she immediately took Zara’s place as the fittest member of the Royal family ever. The second reason?

Pippa Middleton’s arse. Seriously, though Kate is a beautiful lady in her own right, it was Pippa who stole the show on the day. And not just because of her tremendous, perfectly-formed arse in that tight-fitting dress. but because she’s arguably the best looking of the two sisters. But if Harry taps that before I do, I’m officially a republican.

Oh, the other thing grinding my gears?

Gerry and Kate McCann. These two shameless media whores have been polluting the daily papers every day for the last week, and on a regular basis since they killed their daughter Madeline five years ago. Yes, you read that right. You see, they refuse to admit it, but there seems to be a lot of evidence to support it. Her blood was found in the boot of their car, for fuck’s sake. You’re telling me she skinned her knee so they loaded her up in the boot? Bullshit.

Kate, Gerry… Just confess. Then get the fuck out of my daily newspapers. And even if you didn’t do it, the shit you do admit to amounts to child abandonment you evil, evil twats.

Yeah, I’m going to stop there. A short one at just over six-hundred words. Grab your copy of OMS this month to read my reviews of The Original Rabbit Foot Spasm Band and Katy B. Oh, and if screenwriting is something that interests you, haul your arse over to my new blog, Failing Writer, and bookmark that bad boy. Or subscribe in the same way you should’ve done to this one.

Until next time,

Peace x


It just occurred to me that I haven’t updated my blog since Christmas, despite my intention for this to be my regular way of venting my angriest thoughts and feelings and generally offering my commentary on world events. And holy shit, what a few months it’s been. Last time I wrote, I was merely looking forward to a decent Christmas with the family and hoping that 2011 would suck much, much less than 2010 did. And it has… for me.

DO NOT piss her off.

Is it just me, or has the world gone MENTAL? Mother Nature appears to be PMSing over something; that or she’s just REALLY pissed off with the Pacific region right now. I mean, first she destroys a massive chunk of New Zealand then this tsunami has killed thousands in Japan. What the hell did you guys do, forget her birthday? Sleep with her sister? God damn.

On a serious note, both disasters are massive tragedies and I ask that all reading keep those guys in their prayers. And, if you’re feeling generous enough to help, click the logo below to find out how you can donate.

British Red Cross

Follow the links to donate, every penny helps.

The entire Middle East appears to have imploded on us, too. Egypt, Jordan, Libya… Wow, Libya. Khaddafi has gone batshit, hasn’t he? Jeez. He’s like Chemical Ali’s very own Denis Leary right now. “We are not under attack.” Well, shit, I’m looking at CNN right now and either you’re celebrating the 4th of July early this year or some motherfucker is trying to kill you. Hell, I’ve seen four world leaders on the TV telling me that they’re trying to kill you, dude. I’d take the hint and get the fuck outta Dodge. Hell, you’ll probably get a council house and benefits if you can sneak into the UK in the back of a truck unnoticed. I know it’s not the billions of dollars you’ve been saving up for your retirement, but it’s probably better than, y’know, dead.

Col. Khaddafi

God damn, Khaddafi is nutty as shit. Look out for Khaddafi: The Movie (starring Mickey Rourke) at a theatre near you. Soon.

Actually, as much as I’m against paying for a genocidal maniac to live forever on my tab, it’d be funny as hell to watch our Fuhrer David Cameron giving the budget speech only for Khaddafi  to sneak on up behind him and tap him on the shoulder.

All joking aside, I’m glad Cameron has grown a pair and it’s us leading the charge to get rid of this lunatic – he didn’t even wait for Team America to decide if there was enough oil to make it worth them going in before we had Tornadoes all up in Tripoli’s bidness.

I suppose I should stop talking about the shit you see on the news all day and actually write something original and a little bit personal on this thing, otherwise it’s no more interesting than watching a Traci Lords film where she doesn’t get her tits out. God, she’s a shitty actress.

Yes, the Traci Lords reference was little more than an excuse to post a picture of her. Done.

Actually, before I get onto the personal stuff, I have two words that’ll probably become an expansive gush: Charlie fucking Sheen. Charlie “Motherfucking” Sheen. I love that man. He’s gone crazy as a tree rapist and it’s the most entertaining thing any celebrity has ever done. He truly is winning, and if tiger blood is what he’s on, someone sign me up. Where do I get that shit from?

The Sheen

Charlie "Motherfucking" Sheen. What a hero.

This is a fly-on-the-wall documentary that desperately need to happen. He’s making The Hoff look like a beacon of sanity.

Anyway, what have I been up to in the last few months? Nothing much, I suppose: Work, sleep, eat, shit. I mean, there’s other stuff in there, like drinking and showering, but that’s how nondescript my life has become of late. I finally heard back on the Holland Park script from the BBC – probably the most glowing rejection of all time. Apparently I’m ‘brilliant’ and ‘skillful’ but they don’t want to develop me further. What the cock is that shit? And yes, I did just quote Sarah Silverman. It’s because she’s both funny and hot. And gives me a reason to post a gratuitous photo of her.

Sarah Silverman

Kimmel, you bastard.

So, onwards and upwards and I’m trying again to put my scripts out to the masses. I currently have a few works in progress; an as-yet-untitled coming of age movie about three trailer park kids set against the backdrop of the early 70s music scene. My cinematic versions of The Ramones, Ray Charles and Berry Gordy Jr. all feature along the way, as well as a wonderful scene I’m working on set at the world famous CBGB’s club in New York.

The Ramones fucking rock.

Also on my slate, my first run at writing horror sees me working on The Surgeon. Yes, it’s a teens in trouble story set in some woods and an old hospital. Not the most original premise, but hopefully I’ll be able to do something interesting with it.

The next – and most likely – production on my slate is a web series, Housemates (Working title), which I’m hopefully going to be working on with one of my favourite people in the world, Bayram. We only discussed the project for the first time the other night, but she’s in so far. If I can get the other three people I want to sign up, the show’ll be one to watch. The premise? Five strangers are forced to live together by their Social Anthropology professor. Living together for three years is the only way to pass the course, but how will they cope with their circumstances?

If it comes together as fast as I hope, we might be on YouTube in a matter of weeks. I’ll keep you posted.

Fuckin' A, that's K-Smith

Fuckin' A - click this bad boy.

Finally, a bit of pimping for another blog – One of my favourite screenwriters and directors of all time, Kevin Smith, just posted a sneak peek at the script for his upcoming flick, Hit Somebody, over at Silent Bob Speaks. I know he cops a lot of shit for being a purveyor of dick jokes, but this is actually some of the most beautiful writing I’ve seen in some time. And it’s written for John Goodman.

And, as we all know, John Goodman is the fucking man.

Yes, this is John Goodman. If you don't hit a big "we're not worthy" right now, you fail at life.

Until next time, I’ve been your Angry Comedian.