Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

Christmas Tree

Different people have different benchmarks for what makes Christmas ‘begin’ for them. For some, it’s the decorating of the tree, for others it’s the first Christmas card. When I was a kid (and even now) it was only officially Christmas when I first saw the Coca-Cola ad on TV, which just goes to demonstrate what a corporate whore I really am. Except, this year, that all changed because I saw the damn advert in OCTOBER. Damn youse Coca-Cola. Damn youse all to hell.

Santa + Coke = Child molestation. Fact.

As a result of this, I needed a new benchmark for the beginning of Christmas because I absolutely refuse to believe it begins in October. Yesterday I had the misfortune of visiting the Vodafone store in Oxford to witness the arrival of my very first slice of Christmas crazy: A member of the tinfoil hat brigade was in there complaining that his phone was ‘echoing.’ Despite being told that it was just his phone feeding back on itself, he proceeded to weave this elaborate story about how it was only on a few numbers and one of those guys had told him it meant his phone was being bugged by MI5. I shit you not.

It wasn't this guy. That'd be epic.

This, naturally, led to the standard nutbar meandering bullshit about how it was an infringement of his rights and that he wants to change his number so they can’t do it and ‘could they have bugged his phone?’

I couldn’t help wondering as Crazy McNutterface rambled on at the top of his voice… that, if you have nothing to hide, why the hell would you care? If David Cameron and his assembly of idiots want to know the exciting inner workings of this guy’s mind, he’s either up to some seriously illegal shit… or they’re too cheap to hire a DJ for the Christmas party, so this guy is unwittingly becoming the entertainment.

It’s safe to say, though, that the coup de grace was when he turned to everyone else in the line and said ‘they’re bugging my phone, they could be bugging yours too!’

You mean to say that, somewhere out there, there’s a government agency that wants to listen to my phone calls? Can I get their number? Maybe we can do a deal, because I don’t want to listen to most of my phone calls, so maybe they can just answer my phone and provide me with the highlights of my day:

“Well, you had a call from a debt collector, you owe them twenty quid.”


“Your mother called, asked if you’ve remembered your Nan’s birthday?”


“Oh, and some girl… Gemma, was it? She called to ask about Friday.”

“Did she say what she was wearing?”

“No, but she left a phone number.”


See, that’s a government agency I’m behind. The ministry of call screening. They’d have special powers to raid and brutally torture cold callers who try to sell me shit I don’t need. It’d be a little rough on the PR front at first, but people would get used to it. And I’d stop getting calls on my mobile from morons trying to sell me mobiles.

“Hi, do you have a mobile phone?”

“No, please tell me more. But first, look at your screen. What number have you dialled?”

“077749… Oh.”

“Yeah. How’s about you check that next time you ask a stupid question?”

Okay, I’ve descended into crazy anarchistic ranting again. It’s the season. Christmas crazy: The new benchmark for the beginning of Christmas.

If I don’t get a chance to update before, have a good’un. Merry Christmukkah to one and all.